Looking at Old People with a New Lens

One benefit this year of rest has given me is the time and mental space to confront recurring dreams, thoughts and things that have been on my mind for a long time. For one reason or another, I didn’t address them. That is until now, when I have some bandwidth to spare, not just in terms of time and physical factors but also bandwidth in my mind.

I have been dreaming about two of my best friends from college for a really long time. I had a falling out with them about two years after college and we hadn’t spoken since then. Even though I occasionally would think about our times together and how nice it would be to get in touch again, I never took that step. The only explanation I have come up with is probably not wanting to deal with the consequences, or the uncertainness of how it might go. We didn’t part on good terms, and I think my brain had no capacity to take that chance.

Now that I am feeling better, free of anxiety and burnout, and living again with a relaxed calm mind, I was ready to face this uncertainty and to tackle it head-on and take the risk of seeing what would happen. I was ready to put a full-stop to the question of “what if…” and “if only…”. So, I emailed them, and we got in touch!

Have you ever looked at the same people with a new lens and realized how different they actually are than how you have pictured them in your mind? This is happening to me a lot since my sabbatical. I have been able to see things and people much more objectively and not through any colored lenses and it’s helping me a lot to unpack my emotions associated with them and untangle the jumble of feelings. It makes me feel light and that feels great! I feel like I am on a journey of untangling the mess that’s become my life, one day at a time. I love living lightly and not carry a lot of baggage, both mentally and materialistically, and the weight of past years had been weighing me down badly. But slowly and steadily its unravelling for good and I am very grateful that I am able to take this time to do it.

Anyway, after reconnecting with my friends and talking for almost 2 hours, I was able to close that chapter and rest my mind. But I realized that they were not really the people I thought they were. I don’t know what state of mind I was in when I became friends with them, but I am very surprised I did. I couldn’t understand why I was so blinded by wanting their friendship and approval all those years and how I made so many choices in those years based on wanting to keep their friendship, instead of what would the right thing to do. They did not feel like my people at all. And the sad part is, they haven’t changed or become different people, as you may think. They are still the same, in fact it was scary how much they haven’t grown. They didn’t inspire me; they didn’t excite me. I was struggling to understand why I made them the idols they were in my head. We didn’t share any interests, hobbies, goals etc. There was nothing in common. I wonder what tied us together all those years.

It was also sad to realize that all those years I was with them; those years were the worst versions of me. They did not bring out my best parts. I have been a much better person and much more myself ever since our falling out. I could have been much more had I not lost all those years chasing their love and affection.

But I am happy I can put my mind at ease. I am happy that we had a falling out so I could discover the real me and become the awesome individual I was meant to be. And I am the happiest to realize I had not missed out on anything by not being in touch with my best friends from college.

I hope you get the chance to make peace with your past as well, if there are people from your past that you think you have been missing out on. Maybe they never were the people you think they were, and you are not actually missing out on anything.